You complete me (NOT) (or why Jerry Maguire ruined love.)
If I've said it once, I've said it a skillion times: I hate Jerry McGuire.
I'm a big fan of romantic comedies – give me The Princess Bride, When Harry Met Sally, and Harold and Maude any day. I love, love, love them.
But Jerry McGuire? I hate it. Grrr.
Watching Tom Cruise and Renee Zellweger's characters (Jerry and Dorothy) "fall in love," marry, break up, and make up was almost painful for me to watch.
Both of the characters were dysfunctional and emotionally wrecked, yet all the while, the movie set them up as a perfect romantic couple.
I didn't see it in the movie theater – thank goodness – because I would’ve had a hard time keeping my mouth shut. As it was, I nearly ruined it for my (then) husband, talking back to the television: "Run away, woman! You can't fix him; go home and be with your cute little boy. Take care of yourself; take care of your boy! Run away!"
And to Jerry ? "Ohmygaaad; what are you doing? Why are you latching on to her? She won't fix the aloneness and fear! Run away! Stop before you fuck everything up!"
Still, at the end of the movie, after the relationship implodes (as it clearly should, because they were crazy-ass dysfunctional), Jerry rushes to see Dorothy and in a grand, romantic gesture, tells her that something wonderful has happened to him, but the experience wasn’t "complete" because she wasn't with him.
And then, with tears welling up in his eyes, and Renee doing that little pouty thing she does, Jerry says the sentence that launched a thousand screwed up pairings for hopeless romantics everywhere:
"You complete me."
You complete me.
Really? WTF?
NO.
No one completes you. No one.
How many relationships have ended because someone felt "complete" with their new love, only to find that when the jazzified sparkle of infatuation and crush faded, this person who “completed them” actually had needs? And desires? And those desires weren't exactly the same as theirs?
“But ... wait; I thought you completed me? How can you want things that I don't? How can you not find my quirks and needs charming and adorable?”
I remember talking to a young girl many moons ago, and she was heartbroken that the man she'd been dating gave her a card and flowers for Valentines Day, but no chocolate. And he didn't take her out for a special dinner.
Cause, y'know, if he really DID complete her, wouldn't he have KNOWN she expected the grand gesture? The dinner and the chocolate, as well as the flowers and card?
Oy. Really?
So now, here in the month of grand romantic gestures, Hallmark cards, chocolates, and over-the-top video-taped professions of love for one another, I want to underline the craziness of this.
No one reads your mind.
And no one completes you. No one.
Not your parents, not your kids, and gaaad no, 'specially not your romantic partner.
No. One.
A good partner can make life better, absolutely.
But anyone who's ever been in a long-term relationship can tell you, it's also the toughest personal growth workshop you'll ever sign on for. (Even when you have no idea what you've signed on for.)
And whatever "incompleteness" you might have before you enter into a relationship, you'll have that IN it too.
(And bonus? If you expect an other to smooth over that "missing piece" guess what? You'll feel it more acutely.)
Single or partnered: you have to work on your own stuff.
Ask yourself the hard questions, and keep asking them.
Maybe one day you'll "live along ... into the answer(s)" as Rilke said.
Do what you can to pay attention to your life.
Pause amidst the to-dos and the shoulds and the expectations you've absorbed.
And on this Hallmark holiday, buy yourself a flower; write yourself a love letter.
Don't expect someone else to complete you.
You already are complete.
