When “not today” becomes “today”
I went to see Anne Lamott give a reading many moons ago, and something she said during the Q&A stayed with me all these years later.
Lamott is a smart, quirky, funny, cool, liberal, dreadlocked, born-again-Christian writer (yep; all of those), and she is one of my all time favorite writers. Her Bird by Bird was a HUGE influence on me, and on my work.
She was promoting her book Grace (Eventually): Thoughts on Faith, so many of the questions after the reading were about faith and god, and her experience of those.
At one point someone asked her if she believed in the devil, and Lamott said she did – but not an incarnated devil – instead (and I paraphrase here) – “The devil is the voice in your head that whispers: Yeah, you know you have to quit smoking, drinking (or engaging in some other addiction or behavior that enslaves your spirit or keeps you out of integrity) … and you will … of course you will. But, the devil will say: not today.”
The reason this stuck with me was because, as you might suspect, I’ve had one or two of my own “not today”s in my life.
My “not today”s were behaviors – things I’d come to depend on; habits that wouldn’t bring me what I wanted in the big picture if I kept it/them up, and were slowly eating away at my spirit. But in many ways, they also seemed a bit like beloved friends, I didn’t want to shake them up.
While I live pretty intentionally most of the time, the things that hang on, hang on hard, and I had been quite happy to keep listening to that voice: “You will … of course you will. But, not today.”
Because changes like that are hard as hell.
They feel like psychic surgery.
Like removing an organ; something that has helped hold yourself together and keep you going.
And life’s hard enough without taking those things away, right?
So, every time I’d look at the equation, I’d still listen to the voice telling me it wasn’t today … “Not today, not today…”.
And then, after writing about it, and looking at it from lots of different angles for a whole lot of "not today"s, the day came when it was suddenly "today".
What I know now is that, even when it’s hard (and it will be hard – I’m not gonna lie), writing your way into making a “not today” into “today” is good. And even with the aptly named growing pains, it opens up new space for healing and growth.
There are still times I wish there was some magic wand that would poof everything and help me by-pass the hard stuff that still rears its head at unexpected times.
Or something so magic that would make it OK not to have to change at all (or change some things “back”).
But those moments pass. And I know that the only way out is through.
Luckily, I have tools for that “getting through” part.
While my practices and tools might not be the ones that work for you, it is SO important to find those that do.
Because the voice that insists that it’s “not today”?
It’s deceiving you. It’s telling you that you have all the time in the world to live fully and freely and without apology; that there are limitless tomorrows to turn your “not today” into “today.”
But you don’t.
And there aren’t.
And I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to “not today” myself into a place of regret. I don’t want to wonder what life could have been if I’d been brave enough to face the hard stuff.
And while there’s no magic “poof” for the hard slog through – on the other side? – you'll find more of YOU.
More of who you are without numbing, purposeful forgetting, avoidance, and fear. And with that, you can make changes one day at a time. One step at a time. One increment at a time.
Of course, since I’m all about writing your way free, naturally I’ll tell you that writing practice as one of the best tools to help you through. (Duh. Of course I will.)
If you haven't figured it out yet, the kind of writing I talk about isn’t about creating The Great American Novel, fabulous blog posts, or sales pages. It's not about getting published.
It’s a conversation with yourself on paper – an intentional exploration of what that “not today” voice is protecting or hiding, a deliberate exploration of where you’re stuck, and a brave, vulnerable search of what your heart is really calling for – and it can help pull you through.
Here’s to standing strong against that devil that says “not today.” To claiming the life you really want, and for bravely taking new routes (even when it’s hard).
Here’s to writing free.
Here's to today.
If you know you need to face your “not today”s, but the whole endeavor seems overwhelming, my Write Your Way Free program might be just the thing for you. Four weeks of learning how to develop a number of ways to dig in and explore your life, so you can begin taking steps to make some changes. All with boatloads of support in a safe, encouraging community … with me, as your been-there-getting-through-it-all leader.
The program runs quarterly, so if you don't want to miss the next round, go here, and you can sign up to be alerted next time we run.
